My Search

I am sharing in the hopes of helping others who are searching for their identity and their birth families lost through adoption. There will be three parts to this post as I think it is the best way to break it down and I'll warn you now there is no happy ending but I am stronger and still standing for having searched. What shapes us inside has a lot to do with our weight and fitness journeys....this is hard to type so wish me luck.

Early Years of my Life:
I grew up knowing that I was adopted. One of my earliest memories is of me saying that I was my daddy's adopted "angel" I am not sure how old I am in that memory but young 5 or 6 ish. I was lucky in that my parents wanted me and loved me and they took very good care of me. I had a great childhood up until I was 11 years old then my mom had a massive stroke that completely changed her personality she was in the hospital for 6 months having to relearn everything walking talking how to feed herself just everything that you and I take for granted.

After she came home she was partially paralyzed and walked with a limp didn't have use of her right arm anymore she was a completely different person and we didn't get along for many years but that is another post. Once I entered my teenage years being adopted meant something different to me. I wandered who do I look like? basic stuff that people who grow up in there biological families take for granted. I began to feel like I didn't fit in my family anymore and this is when I first started to have weight issues. My parents refused to discuss this with me when I was a rebellious teenager. I was scared I would fall in love with my "brother" without knowing it stuff like that.

I got married the first time at 21 and had a baby at almost 25. That was so exciting to finally have someone who looked like me! My son has my heart shaped face and the shape of his fingers and toes and head are mine as well. He is skinny by some fluke:)

The Search
Skipping ahead to when I turned 40 being adopted and not knowing about my biology really began to bother me a lot not just when by birthday rolled around. I made the decision to search for my birth family. It seemed so easy with the advent of the Internet but it was not easy at all the more I looked for my birth mom the more painful it became to see that no one was looking for me. About this time life got in the way with home life, job, my mom getting sick so I had to stop for a few years.

Then in 2007 I paid the Children's Home Society 500.00 for my non-id information and to search for her and to let her know I was open to contact. Florida is a closed adoption state and my adoption was handled through this agency so they hold all the answers just so you know the process. The agency sent me paper work to fill out and have notarized and then they had to look in the archives for my information. It took three long weeks to get my non-id information back. Every day while I was waiting I would rush out to the mailbox hoping for "the letter" Finally it arrived and I had some basic information like nationality, where I get my height a little bit about her family, not much at all about the birth family just some really vague information about him his physical characteristics education etc.

The Results:
Once I got the non-id I had to call my searcher and give the go ahead to contact her. The agency sent her a letter around Christmas time that year and there was no answer. So they sent her another more strongly worded letter and my birth mom called and spoke with my searcher.
My birth mom was upset at having been "found" after all these years she said she felt her rights had been violated. In 1964 she was told by the social worker to forget about me to forget that she had given birth. They were cruel to the birth moms back then I think. Back to my story, my searcher explained that I needed updated medical information for health reasons and if she wouldn't give them to her I could sue her to get her to disclose this information so she reluctantly gave me the information I needed and it was shocking! (You have to try to prepare yourself for whatever you may find out)

Even though the info was shocking it helped me to make sense of my life issues. My birth moms mom was a alcholic who committed suicide the year after I was born. My birth mom herself had a hysterectomy at 26 due to cervical cancer, she has been married three times. I don't know if I have siblings but I hope I do:) Her dad died of lung cancer but was a heavy smoker and I don't smoke never have or drink anymore I quit back in 1994 before it got completely out of control. I fell in love with a alcholic though....those are the some of the shocking highlights though if you have questions email me at susanc7818@yahoo.com

Even though I have let this drop for now its not over and it will never be over until one of us dies. In my heart I keep hoping she will change her mind and contact me though the agency. My searcher said due to her age she was 60 and life circumstances she hasn't told her family now that I exist that is probably why she wasn't open to contact.

I don't regret the search it was some of the best money I ever spent.... I may try again I'm not going away!! I am strong, resilient with a great support system.. I hope this helps someone out there please let me know if it does or contact me with questions....til later.